Waiting for the Storm to Pass
Fake it till you make it. Keep your head up. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
All those things. Right? Do you know what I’m talking about? Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other sets all things in motion. Inspiration breeds inspiration. Right?!
One Hell of a Year
So, let’s back up. It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog. Mostly because life got busy. Shocking, I know. But, really soccer season kicked my ass this Spring. (It’s not even really over yet). And then my husband traveled for the entire month of May for work. Then my puppy almost died and spent a week in the hospital while my husband was away and I was running the house by myself. And all of this was sort of the culmination of one fucking hellacious year.
My husband nearly lost his job in September, which was really the start of this hellacious year. (And to be clear, my “year” goes by school year because well I’m a mom.) What followed my husband almost losing his job was a lot of terrifying learning. But now everything is officially settled. Quite literally; there was a lawsuit which we settled and now he’s settling into his new position. And we’re settling into life after crisis (or crisis).
Going through the Motions
The whole year sucked, but really the last few weeks have been the absolute most trying of my life. I have no more capacity for the crisis. One more thing will be the straw to break this camel’s back.
I am wasted, completely, and totally emotionally wasted. And I’ve found myself thinking, why am I now feeling so down? Months of survival and triaging emergency after emergency. Months of managing my family’s emotional wellness. Thousands of hours of brainstorming business and financial strategies. Thousands of words written to you all. Really just a lot of motion, but no tears. And then it hit me; because now we’re settled, I’m no longer in emergency mode. Now, this is just my life. And honestly, I don’t know how to deal with that.
Externally everything is good, we’re okay. There’s a plan and we’re following it. At least I’m trying to follow it. But, internally there’s so much I haven’t yet dealt with and I’m exhausted. Why do I have to deal with it now? How do I deal with it now?
That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for a few weeks. What do I do now? How do I execute these plans we have? How do I capitalize on all of these lessons learned, this work we’ve done to make our family stronger? And most importantly, now that we’ve settled why the fuck don’t I feel better? Why do I feel worse?!
Life After Crisis
See now, it’s funny. Because when you’re in crisis the only thing that matters is getting to tomorrow. And even if you have some forethought, it’s not really enough. Because when the crisis settles, you have to figure out how to live in your new reality. Life after the crisis.
Which is where I currently am; navigating life after a crisis. I’ve felt lately like I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. But, then talking to friends, talking about that straw that might break my back. I find myself saying over and over, “the thing is, I feel lucky more than I don’t.” It’s become this subconscious thing. I’m not even sure when I started to say that, think that, believe that.
Our entire world flipped upside down in September with a few words and now things are beginning to feel better with just a few words. I guess life is funny that way.
Inspiration Breeds Inspiration
I was inspired by those words. And that bred more inspiration. Now I am inspired. And I have decided to let that be my catalyst. The thing that will propel me forward.
I feel lucky more than I don’t, therefore I am lucky more than I’m not. In motherhood, in marriage, in friendship, in family and in life in general. Maybe I am faking it, maybe my head is foggy and maybe I am waiting just a little bit for this storm to pass. But inspiration breeds inspiration. And I’m inspired because I’m lucky more than I’m not. And, well fuck, people have had a lot less than that.